I feel apprehensive about the posting I made last week about my Dad. I could not bring myself to write another word keeping that information inside me,tra-la-la skipping along like nothing happened. I feel like I blurted it out really fast, with my eyes shut tight and then on to happier thoughts, though. That is not what it is like. It is hard to live with someone ,so close to you, that isn't always there for you the way you think they should be.
It's hard to love, honour and give when you so desperately want to demand your rights. I find it next to impossible to balance this new role I have been thrust into and all the usual life stuff with six kids and the poor,bottom-of-the list husband. (Somewhere in there should be the animals but you can neglect them for awhile, as long as you ignore their messes!)
I hate having to confront my selfishness. I enjoy things my way and at my leisure. BUT ya' know what? It's OK. God has called me to love. That love is not just for people in Africa, China or a country in some special window. That love is also meant for those around me, those closest to me. He knows it is impossible for me to love, with this fleshly heart. That is why, the creator of this amazing universe has said He will use me to do the impossible because all things are possible with Him. I still clean up messes.
I still enjoy sweet smiles, hugs and songs from A5. I get up in the morning excited to see God do the impossible in me. I have chosen to daily walk in that expectation. Life will never be normal. Normal is a setting on my dryer. BUT life can be full of an incomprehensible joy found only in Him. I am fighting for it! How about you?